Story

Cigars, Jews and DMT?

Leave a comment

Folks, let me tell you about a little amusing story that fails to escape my mind no matter how hard I try to ignore its odd existence.

It all started one really fucking tiring day.

I was fresh out of a lousy commie piece of shit academic setting, they may or may have not just banned me from entering the place for not having a negative Fovid-19 test. Jerkoffs.

In my anger/despair/thirst/rebellion/boredom I hunted for a taxi to take me to some far away magical place called a cigar lounge. Where one can booze, meet oddballs and rich dudes and smoke fine Dominican leaf.

I spent the next seven hours nursing a glass or more than a glass of whiskey. Probably Jackie D.. and then just slumped over my laptop and puffed on my stick on and off. Not the fancy smoker experience that day but ah whatever.

Anyway throughout the next few hours l done seen a lot of weird folk come through.

The usual suspects were around.. you know, porn addicted grey haired lawyers who blast softcore shit on the TV. The teens with daddys money. The pretty girl there for beer. The usual.

Here’s what really tripped my balls though. And the weird reason I remembered that evening.

Around 9 PM as I’m utterly pooped and wrecked, a trio approached my large table. I sat at the head of the table ala Roman Reigns and the rest of it was empty so they were about to ask my permission to sit naturally because I’m a stud. Maybe.

It was two dorks, possibly orthodox Jews or sons of a rabbi. American. Foreign. Odd slightly East Coast accent. And a really foxy lady with Hazel hair and nice eyes that I barley saw because it’s dark. Soft voice, good bod? I lowkey remember wanting to pork her over the table but who could even do anything I’m about to faint from my lack of sleep the prior night.

The sexy ass LARP semi-trad chick got my approval to sit down and I spent the next hour listening to her talk with the goobers while they smoked cigars and told bonfire stories.

To my bewilderment, one of the nerds described his near death experience with DMT in a Latin American forest or something after he experimented due to the death of his father and blah blah.

I know it’s nothing that crazy but since when are Jews into this shit?

Maybe Bushwick liberal Jews sure but kippa wearing motherfuckers?

Huh.

And why did they have such a cutie with them? She wasn’t that covered up.

She’s hot.

I’d fuck her totally.

I never tried DMT but I did do androgens, a lot of weed, painkillers, sleeping pills.. I somehow felt outdone in drugs.

After eavesdropping on Jeremiah and Moses ovah here, they finally left as the convo went mundane.

I dragged my carcass into a taxi and drove home.

I saw a bunch of other shit that night I think but I lost the notepad I wrote these events on. I promised I would post this.

I don’t know if I got some nudes from a Russian girl that night or the next day.

I love getting random nudes from a girl that uses you to fulfill her sexual needs but lowkey despises you because she fears you.

I want some love.

I’m at home smoking a cigar right now. Trying hard not to send my uber thick dong to some blonde I went to school with or girls with a nose ring. Yum.

Peace out.

Pseudo-Rich Life

Leave a comment

It’s 8 PM.

I’m bored and wanna go out. I anxiously approach the closet to pick out fashionable attires and open it, a gay midget jumps at me and claws my face!

I punch his tiny dick and kick him out a window. It’s a 7 story fall. I proceed and carefully pick out a fashionable attire since I am going out for some fine dining.

I put on a polo shirt, Clarks shoes and blue jeans.

Me and my homie roll out to the restaurant owned by a lame B-list TV chef. His food is good.

On the way there, I see a weesh nerd with low muscle mass and a mask.

I yell homophobic insults towards him and bully him. He flips me off timidly and runs away. We laugh.

Pull up to the spot.

Eat fine ass lamb fillets.

Smoke Cuban cigars.

Done and done. We major.

We leave at 1 AM and tip the waiter decently. He is happy.

Now it’s the AM, time to harass hot women online and ignore horny girls in the DM until they send me nudes. Can’t sleep. Still hungry.

Dean Martin time.

Got blocked twice but there’s an alluring Russian. Hm.

I Could Have Fucked Cher

Leave a comment

After an hiatus from “writing” and too much free time which resulted in excessive nut tugging, let’s tell the freshly squeezed tale of how my desire to climb up Cher’s skirt was foiled by two oddballs.

It was a warm-ish summer night when my friend and I decided to hit up the local pub armed with cigars and Zippo lighters for some good vibes and the potential of having our face washed with waxed cooch.

We sat down and lit up that Dominicano tobacco, looking extremely sexy and possibly menacing if you are a skinny twink passing by.

Suddenly, our waitress (?) arrived to provide service smelling the potential for tips and the masculine pheromones.

Instantly, I could tell I wanted to paint the walls of my house with her vaginal fluids. She was a fairly tall, mildly alternative looking chick with a cute face that desperately needed my wad over it.

I made random convo to break ice and bust balls (ovaries?), asked her name and introduced myself.

Her name was Cher. Like the singer but less cringey and probably better looking with a collar on.

I won’t bore with lame details of what was said, this isn’t a game site. I will say she seemed legit interested and not just tip whoring.

I sent her off to fetch me wine and then trouble came..

A mildly inebriated lad sitting near inquired about our cigars and tried to make convo. Seeing as I ain’t a cunt with ego, I indulged him and we chatted a bit.

He seemed harmless at first. Spoke Italian, former bartender. Odd looking but friendly. He drank about two liters of beer. He was with his Russian friend. A funny fat lad who screams instead of talking. Alright, they were entertaining. We let em join the table.

WHAT. A. FUCKING. MISTAKE.

What started as innocent cigar and travel talk turned into them yelling about politics and scaring off every women in sight. Including Cher. I went from baller mafioso to unwanted personality because I let myself be seen with those fuckers.

The Russian dude started ranting about blacks in front of the African workers and if it wasn’t for me he might have gotten stabbed.

Goddamnit. There I was talking to a beautiful goth-lite chick who produces techno that was probably up to swallow my kids in the bathroom and these fuckers scared her off.

They were so thrilled to be near us, I felt like a hassled celebrity. They even followed us to our car.

Was this how Sinatra had to deal with fans?

Anyway, I didn’t fuck Cher. I could have. Might go back there sometime soon and eat her asshole if possible. Hope this was good content.

Fuck off.

We live in a HOMOgenized society

Leave a comment

It’s a Sunday Monday.

You wake up at 7:30 am, you slept like shit the night before and you barely get any morning wood anymore. You curse your maker and go take your piss with a hobo-ish limp because you’re still hungover from binge drinking cheap supermarket vodka for no apparent reason.

You stumble into the kitchen to see your shitty children. Your son who is a skinny little twerp with a face not even a mother could love from excessive soy consumption is eating a tofu omlette. Your daughter who is the town whore just finished taking her lame morning selfie for Instagram so 20 year old horndogs can beat off to her and send her cum tributes.

The wife is on her phone, you approach to give her a kiss and she pushes you away because you smell like dog semen and did not brush your yellow rotten teeth. She goes back to texting her Ethiopian lover you don’t know about because you are retarded.

It’s now 9:20 am.

You are on your way to work. You are stuck in traffic. Hopelessly puffing on cigarettes to ease your anxiety. Your therapist who is addicted to coke told you to quit but you never fucking listen. You contemplate jumping into the highway and committing suicide.

You don’t.

It’s 1:30 pm.

You finish your day of work a little early. Good for you, fuckhead. You are probably tired of sitting in a broken chair everyday in a cubicle designed according to the whims of some soulless corporate overlords.

You pack up your briefcase and leave the office to make your way home. On the way out you see some ugly dykes with shaved hair and their fat pink Mohawk having “male” friends, they point at you and laugh while lamenting on how lame and dumb it is to be an office working white man. They are also white but don’t work. You sigh and enter the car. Gas is empty. Damn.

4:00 pm.

You go back home. Finally. You have the rest of the day to yourself.

You can vaguely hear noise coming from upstairs. It’s just your hoe daughter fingering herself for OnlyFans. No big deal. Sex work is normal now.

You take a Xanny and turn on ESPN hoping to chill out. Your wife comes home with papers. What? Oh shit. The divorce papers. Today is the day. Fuck, how did you forget?

You try to convince her you should stay together but she won’t have it. She wants to be with Abraham. He is diverse, richer and knows how to facefuck her unlike you. He also has a six pack and steady access to steroid drug kingpins.

You finally cave in and sign the papers. You tell her you still love her. She says she never loved you in the first place. She leaves the house because her new man called her over to fuck.

You wipe your tears and go to bed. You wish you could beat her boyfriends ass and win her back. Suddenly you are filled with ancient rage and a desire to transform your miserable fucking life. You contemplate finally dieting, kicking your kids out and shooting the black lovers head off.

But you don’t. The Xanny kicked in and you fell asleep after jerking off. You have some jizz residue on your lips. You kill yourself the next day.

This is society.

Pussy Kills

Leave a comment

This is a story all about how young fresh pussy almost got a lad taken down and thrown into the gutter by one bloodlusted motherfucker.

What do you get when you combine good looking broads with big tits, insecure teens and unstable savages with no regard to their own safety or others?

You get trouble.

Relationships are kinda rough nowadays. Young men got girlfriends being thots on social media, gaining lots of followers with horndogs sending cock pics to them, Indians blowing up the comment section and etc. You know the gimmick.

And then you have the boyfriends. An average Joe with minimal followers, no respect, nothing real to offer besides being an emotional tampon with basically no value in this modern life.. their only accomplishment is the hot piece of ass they miraculously got on their little arm. Their only ticket to success is a bitch that doesn’t even show their ugly mustached face on the gram.

What happens when a young boy who ain’t shit and bases his entire social value on the pussy he desperately tries to hold down starts to lose control?

He does some crazy fucking shit. He gets angry. He gets insecure. He will do anything he can to hold on to the power that is slipping away between his fingers.

In our story, there is a man in the exact same type of relationship who is about to make a massive mistake.

As part of his quest for clout and vag, he pisses off the wrong man.

You see, the kid figured that flexing his nonexistent muscles on whoever hits his girl up will get him brownie points. He assumed his homies will gas him up and that “his” bitch is gonna drop to her knees with extreme moisture. But he made a nearly fatal mistake.

He tried stunting on the wrong man. He chose to threaten, insult and berate a very problematic figure in the little hood of he lives in. An infamous resident of the city among those who were unfortunate enough to witness him do his thing. On the surface, a seemingly harmless individual. He walks the streets with his big glasses and grey hoodie, usually just sitting with his homies at night shooting the shit. Not the type you expect to give you trouble.. until you provoke him.

You see, the man he fucked with was a very troubled man indeed. Growing up his entire life with violent tendencies, drug addictions and a shady reputation that will scare any moral person away. Our insecure teen didn’t know any of this when he put him on blast over IG and called him a loser and told him his mom was a whore.

He awoke a monster. You see, this shady illusive dude finally found what he was waiting for. A challenger. A target. He spends his nights dreaming of inflicting pain on those who disrespect him. He fought martial artists and injured himself in Gyms just for this moment. He heard his name being dragged through the mud and decided he was about to end the mans life. He didn’t know anything about the kid except that he was about to kill him. He annoyed the wrong man at the wrong time. A man with nothing to lose known for his hot temper.

And just like that, a young man was about to die. All because he was trying to impress this hoe that he was scared would leave him and doesn’t give a shit about him. All for his fake homies online.

Threw his entire future into the trash because he said the wrong thing to a crazed man who he pushed too far.

The man told him to pull up and that he was about to get smoke.

It was all seemingly over.

Only that the young fool lived, he lived because he refused to show up and fight this man. Deciding that discretion is the better part of valor. He also lived because that deranged man later decided that he won’t take away a life because of some attention whoring cunt. He sobered up once the lil dude pussied out on him. He realized he was about to go to jail over some horny teenager just desperately trying to impress some slut.

I wasn’t gonna continue the cycle of young men getting murdered over flat asses and lush pussy.

That deranged man that was about to plunge a knife deep into his guts over this bullshit was me.

Don’t get yourself killed over a woman that will forget you in six weeks from now, not everyone are like me. Too many men laying bloody in the streets for this shit.

Energy Sucking Vampires From Planet Tofu

Leave a comment

Have you ever spent time with a person you really like but notice that every time you come home after hanging out with that jabroni, you feel like a doctor just told you have prostate cancer?

Just being in their presence zapped your joy. Hearing them talk is like reading an obituary. So much melodrama and toxicity.

Be careful! You might be in the presence of an ENERGY SUCKING VAMPIRE.

The energy sucking vampire (ESV © for short) is a miserable person cosplaying as your friend or lover but their true purpose is to feed on your positive emotions and fill you up with darkness and sadness. An ESV © is naturally an unhappy son of a bitch and will drag you down to his level at all costs. He is a real pisser.

Some of them do this consciously, some don’t even realize they do it but can’t help it. The danger is there nonetheless.

If you suspect you are in contact with an ESV, call your doctor and RUN THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE EVIL CREATURE.

Life is too short to be corrupted by some nasty bitter fucks.

Now I’m not saying we can’t bitch here and there, shit gets fucked up and you need to vent.. I know that, but when you are dealing with someone who is consistently moody and cunty and is always messing up your vibes,that’s a no-no.

Find yourself someone who wants you to rise up and succeed along with them, not someone who wants to weep all day.

DON’T LET THE BI-POLAR CHICKS WHO GIVE GOOD HEAD BUT STIR UP SHIT AND CAUSE DRAMA RUIN YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL.

DON’T LET THAT HOMIE RUIN YOUR MOTIVATION AND TELL YOU AIN’T GONNA MAKE IT.

GET YOURSELF AN ASPIRING KING.

GET YOURSELF AN UPLIFTING QUEEN.

Signed, a formerly miserab cunt.

Change is coming.

Sex Is A Drug, Drugs Are My Sex

Leave a comment

Some people get high off pharmaceutical chemicals, some people get a high off purchasing large amounts of Gucci bags and Calvin Klein underwear.. Me? I get high off of getting pussy.

My drug of choice is the vagina, I’m addicted to the labia.

Popping off inside the warm confines of the vagine is my opioid, my heroin. It helps me forget about all my pain and woes.

When the sugar walls clamp on my moderately thick male member it’s as if I just took a big hit of some bomb ass kush. It makes me feel alive. When she rides me with conviction, I feel divine. When I see her raven black hair, her mischievous smile, I find peace. When I take a whiff and the smell of her lust reches my lungs, I don’t wanna die. Goddamn, I don’t want the high to ever stop. Fuck.

But the problem with all drugs is eventually you get hooked. Like a narcotic Wall St. broker looking to get his next fix of the booger sugar, all I can think about is when will I get my next dose and how.

To quote King Push:
“24/7, 365, pussy stays on my mind”

You’re my drug. Pale or tanned. Blonde or brunette. Busty or flat. I just wanna mate. Let me get you drunk and let’s get lost in a sea full of pubis. Make me come alive (innuendo intended).

And if I can’t get it then cannabis and benzos are pretty tight too. If only intercourse helped me sleep or digest food better though.