satire

Wicked Instagram Tits

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I have broken my writing hiatus to discuss an important topic. Tits. On Instagram. Of the kind that is attached to problematic girls you want to dig out.

You know the type of tits I am talking about. It’s not about the size of the milk transporter.. but the attitude. The “ohicantwaittobeexposeddaily somanymenwilljerktheircocktomeat2am” tits.

The “I hate my dad that never raised me right” tits.

The “I enjoy teasing and manipulating men more than I do getting actually fucked” tits.

Would be lovely if women could actually exist without whoring themselves online for attention and cum drops. So much for independent bad bitches.

There’s only three options when you encounter these tits.

  1. You try to ignore the tits, do your best to not be desperate and hopefully fuck some moral value into her once.
  2. Spam her with likes, orbit her, and have zero respect for yourself as you endlessly climax to her cleavage.
  3. Unfollow and ignore lol.

Option three is optimal but cmon.. a mans gotta eat. Or at least try.

There’s no real point or lesson to this other than bitches ain’t shit and in a perfect world we’d all be making bank and wearing Rolexes instead of chasing dumb e-hoes and being constantly erect.

She’s not trying to fuck or even have a nice convo. She’s a dopamine hunting pussydemon with a hollowed soul. Beware.

Take away the digital platforms and ability to get free drinks and they would die. Literally. Via hanging.

It’s not all bad though. They’re very entertaining. Always fun to mock. Maybe troll. If you smashed, even better. Just don’t wife.. don’t be a fag like John Legend.

This is the only type of content I could churn out right now. Feels shallow and cliché to discuss wymen but why not? It’s topical.

Men, avoid dead eyed attention seeking meatflaps. Find a girl that likes nature. But not TOO much nature.. because they just give head to hikers in the woods.

Go buy a cigar. I’m outtie.

Lana Del Rey

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The ultimate role model for your run-of-the-mill hoe masquerading as an intelligent bad bitch while living a double life as an ice cream demolishing SSRI abusing semen powered machine.

When Lana said her pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola ® it was a true paradigm shift. She hit a massive spike DDT on our collective generation.

The sheer bravery of this groundbreaking statement, good God.

With her sultry voice and imaginary daddy that sells her coke, nothing was the same. She is responsible for girls giving top notch head worldwide although she probably slurps penile tissue mildly nowadays because she’s already famous and doesn’t need to seduce agents.

I actually like LDR songs because I’m a melancholy man-whore (in theory).

Although in 2021, she needs to go on Keto.. fuck it, I’d still hit.

Why is it that pretty art whores use Lana as a roaring symbol of female excellence while their tight punani is getting invaded on the lowkey by bearded RW bodybuilders?

In the current landscape of sexual dynamics, there is nothing more relatable than a sad used up pretty girl with dead eyes and unfulfilled potential who allegedly lives her best life but yearns for more. Fame can’t replace all the dick that broke your heart and your shitty dad. That’s my perspective which is the only true way to look at it. Shut up and post a seductive selfie that will make me aroused and ruin my day.

She’s an infinitely more rich version of depressed 19 year old white bitches from the Burbs.

God bless Lana Del Rey. Even though she worships Satan and whatever.

Good Morning

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It’s a good day to be alive. It’s yet another step in our global path to Armageddon.

The sun is shining, birds are chirping, my head and testicles are equally in pain and both sport throbbing veins.

You wake up, down some painkillers and sext a barley legal e-girl.

She calls you daddy while her dad spents countless hours tearing up every night because she’s a fucking whore.

You eat some cottage, your gut becomes inflamed and you wanna throw up. You don’t but it hurts so you smoke a gas station cigar. The Cuban one is too pricey to waste right now.

The cheap tobacco clogs your lungs slowly but surly and the horrid taste distracts you from the never-ending pain of 2020.

You post seductive muscle pics to IG and troll some stuck up communist sluts with loose pussies. It’s very fun.

You bully your little brothers because you are bored due to government not letting you leave home because the plan is to kill the spirit of the already broken youth.

Maybe you watch Netflix while daydreaming about the Golden Days of the Mafia.

You go to bed. Can’t sleep.

Rinse and repeat.

Good morning. Fuck you.

We live in a HOMOgenized society

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It’s a Sunday Monday.

You wake up at 7:30 am, you slept like shit the night before and you barely get any morning wood anymore. You curse your maker and go take your piss with a hobo-ish limp because you’re still hungover from binge drinking cheap supermarket vodka for no apparent reason.

You stumble into the kitchen to see your shitty children. Your son who is a skinny little twerp with a face not even a mother could love from excessive soy consumption is eating a tofu omlette. Your daughter who is the town whore just finished taking her lame morning selfie for Instagram so 20 year old horndogs can beat off to her and send her cum tributes.

The wife is on her phone, you approach to give her a kiss and she pushes you away because you smell like dog semen and did not brush your yellow rotten teeth. She goes back to texting her Ethiopian lover you don’t know about because you are retarded.

It’s now 9:20 am.

You are on your way to work. You are stuck in traffic. Hopelessly puffing on cigarettes to ease your anxiety. Your therapist who is addicted to coke told you to quit but you never fucking listen. You contemplate jumping into the highway and committing suicide.

You don’t.

It’s 1:30 pm.

You finish your day of work a little early. Good for you, fuckhead. You are probably tired of sitting in a broken chair everyday in a cubicle designed according to the whims of some soulless corporate overlords.

You pack up your briefcase and leave the office to make your way home. On the way out you see some ugly dykes with shaved hair and their fat pink Mohawk having “male” friends, they point at you and laugh while lamenting on how lame and dumb it is to be an office working white man. They are also white but don’t work. You sigh and enter the car. Gas is empty. Damn.

4:00 pm.

You go back home. Finally. You have the rest of the day to yourself.

You can vaguely hear noise coming from upstairs. It’s just your hoe daughter fingering herself for OnlyFans. No big deal. Sex work is normal now.

You take a Xanny and turn on ESPN hoping to chill out. Your wife comes home with papers. What? Oh shit. The divorce papers. Today is the day. Fuck, how did you forget?

You try to convince her you should stay together but she won’t have it. She wants to be with Abraham. He is diverse, richer and knows how to facefuck her unlike you. He also has a six pack and steady access to steroid drug kingpins.

You finally cave in and sign the papers. You tell her you still love her. She says she never loved you in the first place. She leaves the house because her new man called her over to fuck.

You wipe your tears and go to bed. You wish you could beat her boyfriends ass and win her back. Suddenly you are filled with ancient rage and a desire to transform your miserable fucking life. You contemplate finally dieting, kicking your kids out and shooting the black lovers head off.

But you don’t. The Xanny kicked in and you fell asleep after jerking off. You have some jizz residue on your lips. You kill yourself the next day.

This is society.

22 Semi-Serious Rules For The Aspiring Rebellious Degenerate

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1. Never go past 1 day without a shower.
2. Always brush your teeth with fluoride free toothpaste.
3A. Never miss an injection.
3B. Inject gear if you don’t already.
4. Don’t apologize unless absolutely necessary.
5. When you get punched, show no mercy and punch so hard they will never touch you again.
6. Try to read books.
7. Be aware that social media is a cancer and you are dumbing yourself down when using it.
8. Pull her hair.
9. Respect God, even if you don’t adhere to religion.
10. Denounce Satan.
11. Never trust the establishment.
12. Always doubt the information you are given, do independent research.
13. Don’t use drugs to get high, use drugs that elevate your body and consciousness.
14. Be upfront with people, even if they don’t like you for it. Nothing is worse than a manipulator.
15. Don’t consume vegetable oils and soy products.
16. Learn how to kill, but don’t apply it.
17. Be kind to your fellow men unless they are cunts.
18. Be a man of your word. When you say something, follow up on your word.
19. Take care of your hormonal health like life depends on it. It does.
20. Never allow anyone agency over your life. You make your own choices for better or worse.
21. Keep eye contact with your lady when receiving fellatio.
22. Never give up on the process.