Author: Red Beard

Reasons To Not Kill Yourself In Big 2026

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Hey man, it’s 2026! Wow!

What a time to make this splendid year the best ever!

Oh.. it’s already.. oh.. that sucks

Suffering tragedy already? You wanna hang yourself? Oh Christ, buddy

Yes folks, it has come to my attention that plenty of men are ALREADY set to KILL THEMSELVES

I’ll go further than that, I am also considering shooting my face off like Cobain (allegedly)

War never ends, inflation keeps raping our cheeks, apartments are harder than ever to snag, gay porn keeps popping up whenever you try looking at fat ass MILF bitches, girls don’t date for marriage, gyms play remix tracks that are worse than ever, mom and dad never support money laundering.. and so on and so on

Where is the fucking cyanide? I am ready

Wait, wait, wait

No

NO!

The world is very bleak but I have also found plenty reasons to not die when I really think about it

There is still hope, lads

So here’s the first post of the year

Reasons to not kill yourself in 2026

REASON 1:
Money

Are you really gonna die broke like a HOMO?
While getting money honestly without fucking anyone over is harder than ever, there also plenty of chances for shrewd hustlers
You can take advantage of bubbling niche stocks and make a bitchin’ dime, abuse insider trading, sell AI or copywriting ploys to fat fuck middle management types, pimp whores on cameras.. whatever floats your boat
There is enough potential out there to not give up yet
This will be patched after Agenda 2030 tho

REASON 2:
Your grandma loves you

Dude, are you really gonna cause that heartbreak to grandma? WTF? Wait until she passes (God forbid)
Selfish cunt

REASON 3:
Pussy

Can’t die until you finally find the ultimate Instagram bad bitch funnel
So many tourist bad bitches looking for funny international dick
Fucking is still possible
Will be patched soon too however

REASON 4:
Suicide is lowkey gay

God didn’t give you life for you to take it away yourself
Try dying honorably in battle or while climbing a mountain, go out like a G or stay on Earth a little longer ya lil bish

REASON 5:
We’re all gonna make it brah

WE ARE ALL GONNA MAKE IT
Time isn’t real
Never give up
Cena said so
You HAVE TO KEEP TRYING
Make God proud
Eat shit over and over until it all works out
Life is shit, big deal
Try until you die or win
WE WILL MAKE IT AND THE UNIVERSE NEEDS YOU

Okay, that’s it
List over

Take that rope off your neck you dumb bitch, if the good guys of humanity survive the upcoming war with Satan then we can all reap the rewards of Heaven on Earth
Happy 2026
Shoutout to stupid whores and the one and only cool girl on earth

Lana Del Rey Part 3

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I heard the pleas worldwide, millions have been waiting for this moment

“Please Mr. Insomniac, we need another one”

What could THIS possibly mean?

Of course this could only mean one thing

It’s time

Ladies, clean up your wet panties

It’s time for Lana Del Rey Part III

Yes indeed, I have returned for another part of my infamous Lana Del Rey analysis, mockery and obsession series… BUT THIS TIME, with a twist

I am not alone

I have asked for help from a very special someone

A very sexy someone

A very busty and high IQ someone

Someone that knows Lana Del Rey firsthand as a hot and green-eyed super fan

She will help me understand what is it about Lana Del Rey that appeals to the masses and excites the crotches and ears of men and female alike

In this mostly wholesome piece, we will hear for the first time from the perspective of a beautiful genius what makes the lady brain tingle in respect to Sparkling Jump Rope Queen

Without further purple intro, I present to you my convo with the lovely Ms. AA

“R: Tell me how you were first introduced to Lana and what drew you in?

A: I found Lana in 2012 when Video Games came out, it played on the radio and her voice was what immediately drew me in at first. I didn’t understand English back then but I thought her music was so emotive so I could enjoy and understand foreign music for once. The Baroque/Dream Pop style was very different to the other stuff here in Eastern Europe. Felt unique. Her music videos on the TV channels were good and I loved her aesthetics and style. The dark romanticism is popular here in Romania, our romantic literature is infused with tragedy and melancholic folklore, and I got to view this familiar theme under this direction I’d never seen before with the addition of patriotic motifs and Old Hollywood/1950s Americana glam.

R: Could you relate to the lyrics of Lana on a personal level? If so, in which way? What’s your reaction to the world she is portraying?

A: A lyric I always liked is ‘you’re my religion, you’re how I’m living’ because my faith is very important to me. I liken you to it, because of how I worship and admire you. Devout in a way that only you know about, and I do pray for you too. I think our love has a lot of religious elements incorporated in it.

(Personal note: She is such a good girl)

R: I really like that answer.

A: Other lyrics such as ‘he hit me and it felt like a kiss’ have been trashed as romanticizing abuse when it’s actually evident to be Lana detailing her previous experiences with love. Her lyricism is embedded in her life and that’s what is responsible for her authenticity and relatability while others come off pretentious. Those who have been abused or who like certain dynamics in their relationship will relate. Ultraviolence is her best album, others might choose her later work where she uses intentional conversational storytelling. It’s more blatant and digestible there while Ultraviolence has those same aspects put through metaphors and is much more enjoyable. I like to relisten and pick apart those lines. I’m into that.

R: Interesting. What do you think about the huge Lanita fandom online? Does it attract certain women? Is it getting stereotypical to a point by now?

A: I don’t like Lana’s fandom. It’s not all bad but it got invaded by those who take her old Lizzie Grant lyrics too seriously. Tumblr girls love clinging onto those anorexic or DDLG themes from 2009, glorifying Lolita and etc.. it lately has been attracting daddy issues type girls much more than before. As an individual I like Lana, I don’t obsess over her or idolize her like a lot of her fans do. Her escapades and issues don’t irk me, just her vape usage that ruined her vocal range. I don’t care about her looks or fashion. She’s not that dark haired skinny girl from UV anymore and she will never reach that musical level again either. The art is immortalized and nothing will detract it.

R: Hard hitting answer. I enjoy this conversation.

A: Thank you!

R: If you had to describe me by three Lana songs.. what would they be and why?

A: Religion, Shades of Cool and Honeymoon. Mostly because of their sound. The cinematic, romantic and smooth production. The sound of Honeymoon matches your dominant, older and relaxed confident vibe. Shades of Cool lyrically has some things I compare you with. It’s also my favorite Lana song and you’re my favorite man so that might have sway. Religion, it’s softer and romantic while keeping the mystique the other songs have. The other side of you that is warm under all the strength and sternness. Honorable mention to Music To Watch The Boys to.

R: Based on what you know about me, what do you think interests me about Lana Del Rey and the mythos surrounding her?

A: I think aesthetics and attitudes are important to you, specifically the 50s and 60s. You like Mad Men, you like the days of old like The Sopranos, Godfather, Goodfellas. Lana’s music takes you back to that time without even taking into account her physical appearance/style or music videos. Her lyrics detail men like you minus the abuse and the trailer parks. Her music is sultry, romantic and sexual. You’re all that. Her music is contrasting to you in its femininity but so you at the same time. You’re not a nostalgic hopeless romantic girl, you’re the man she dreams of and centers her life around. It’s made for you.”

God, thank you for giving me this beautiful buxom girl that has a wonderfully functional and impressive brain. I enjoyed these insights so much even with the personal bias of being admired aside. I think this is perfect epilogue to my Lana Del Rey saga on this site.

We went from my musings and ramblings on the whole thing for years and years but now we have it officially certified and eloquently put.

What more can I say? Nothing to really add.

I love my girl. I will give her great orgasms for her contributions. Read and breed. Peace out, friends of humanity.

Eurovision 2025: TrashMania

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Today is the national holiday for Satanic cocksuckers and low class Eurotrash mids masquerading as enjoyers of high art

The Eurovision of the past is long gone

The contest of days long gone is.. well, long gone

No more good to below-average songs randomly displayed on network TV to make you forget about regime changes and poor wages

That funny bunny was replaced by globohomo NWO propaganda and very shitty acts that are UGLY and SUCK

No more Push The Button, no more Spanish soul

Now it’s a breeding ground for queers who lick steers

Where Ukraine wins to spite boring Russians that don’t even watch the show

Where Israelis will probably get a 2nd place spot to make people forget that the show gives the spotlight and approval to loudmouth endorsers of rapists and fat brown terrorists

Whatever happened to Sergio Dalma? The strong, soulful type?

That was a Eurovision singer

Now it’s all fruitcakes and Jihadis

Why the fuck is the Middle East in this show anyway? Idiots

I will not waste another second on this rant, actually, I realized I am wasting time

I will resume watching The Penguin re-runs and eat a burger (with OLIVE OIL)

Fuck you if you enjoy the commie contest, choke on soy seeds and dick

2025: Will You Glow Or Blow?

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Ladies and germs, it’s officially 2025

Pull out your cocks and wash your coochie, you all survived another year of sodomy

I hope every reader seeing this did well and thrived in this harsh and grim timeline

That being said I won’t blackpill further because there’s a chance at redemption.. a return to form.. a second glory is said to be emerging

We may finally be able to ban canola and soy oils, hot hoes are wearing sundresses and learning to knit and cook, international wars are slowly dying down (for the next five years at least and whatever..) and all that other based stuff you see on Twitter seems very promising

I mean sure… the world is still gonna get jizzed on in the next two decades and we may live through Terminator 2 but for now shits looking sweet

Now the real question is

How are YOU gonna do in 2025?

Are you gonna fuck or suck?

Are you gonna get rich or die trying?

Are you gonna learn yoga?

Etc etc

My point is the same as every new year post I make in January

It’s time to forgot the sins and rack up the wins and then make love to hot Russian twins

My goals are making cash, get jacked, gaslight sexy bitches and get married to a gypsy

I also promise I will fund the worlds first WMD to run on cigar smoke and kefir, DON’T ASK ME HOW

Okay good talk

Gonna eat 200 grams of blue cheese

And for all my stans, you can pay the villain with beers! Cheers!

How To Eat Shit And Love It

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“Life, I wonder… will it take me under?” -Nas

Living is never easy, let alone in these soy-soaked modern times. Too many people wearing Groot shirts, too many rockets killing people, way too many taxes.

But what can we do to cope with the hardships of existence? We can’t distract ourselves by raiding villages and butchering anymore, we need new systems.

I guess the first step would be to understand why humans suffer in the first place.

If you’re religious (smart), you can blame it on trials from God or abuse from Satan.

If you’re atheist (boo), the universe is indifferent, and the anal pegging is coincidence.

Either way, the why doesn’t really matter. Maybe you’re to blame, maybe you’re a sweetheart just dealt a bad hand… FUCKING. ACCEPT. IT.

Iconic naked Greek philosophers couldn’t figure out why humans experience all this shit, so your dumbass won’t.

Now that we can cope with our ignorance of the cosmic ways, we can focus on healing

How do you start enjoying the taste of S H I T and move on from the L?

STEP NUMBER 1:

TINY WINS.

No life is 100% dookie, there is always a small moment in time where you get that champ vibe back. Even if you immediately start having horrible stuff happen to you two days later, those tiny wins make a super difference in recovering your aura. Go after some goals, exercise and keep pushing. Generic? Maybe. Effective? Always, bitch. Think about things you have been wanting to do for a long time and couldn’t or wouldn’t and go fucking do them.
Make some money, fuck that hot girl, break up with your girlfriend, rob a bank, design a bad video game… Do whatever it is that you have on your goal list and do it well. Step by step. You will feel gooood.

SMALL NOTE: I hate how modern fruity TikTok freaks ruined the word aura.

STEP NUMBER 2:

INTROSPECTION OF SELF.

Take some time and try to really see why evil keeps striking you. As I hinted at earlier, maybe some of this stuff is unavoidable because XY but maybeeeeeeeeeeeee you really aren’t doing yourself favors. We all have our demons, it’s okay. Lord knows I do..

Try eliminating negative patterns that you see potentially leading into the type of things you complain are ruining your life. This is probably the toughest part.

And last but not least…

STEP NUMBER 3:

JUST-KEEP-MOVING -YOU-FUCKHEAD-FUCK-YOU-JUST-KEEP-MOVING.

Dude, there’s not really much more to do. There’s only two honest steps. I am not a fucking guru. Fuck your 500 words clickbait. I talk down to earth, The only way to stop the shit is to shower in the shit. And shit don’t change until you wipe your ass.

Okay, that’s ittttt.

Hope this helped you out.

My shoulders hurt, my dick is hard. Good luck to all reading. Hope you enjoyed my advice that will benefit all the two struggling genders.

Bye!!!!

Mad Men: The Don Question

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Don fucking Draper

Depending on who you ask, this fictional iron jaw man is either the greatest inspirational character in TV history or the biggest scumbag to ever disgrace the screen..

I’m trying to understand why he is beloved/hated

And I’m trying to do it in a very simple and hopefully not douchebag-from-YouTube-essay way

Let’s roll

Why is Don so LOVED?

Don is the American Dream come true

A piece of shit loser raised in a whorehouse that faked an entirely new identity and somehow managed to become a rich superstar in the advertising industry against all the shitty odds given to him by God

Lot of people connect with that, they say in America anyone can make it

In the fictional world of 50s NYC, Draper proved it true and a lot of aspiring princes look up to him as a model hustler

He is also (on surface) the masculine ideal

Well dressed, bountiful in social status, financially successful, great at fucking hoes

What’s not to like?

Every man with working testicles will admit that he wants all those things

In the modern canola world where people look up to characters and gurus online to inspire them, Donny D is a solid starter pack character

Some deep introspective souls might connect with him for entirely different reasons

Maybe because the real charm in Draper is how big of a fuck up he is in his personal life and the relatable mirror he holds against the life of the modern male

On paper Don has it all, but as we go through more and more seasons in the show we see how broken this dickhead really is

Can fuck every girl but can’t hold a relationship, drinks himself to death, lonely despite his many “friends”, shitty father, shitty brother, shitty business partner

He fucks up everything he touches (in his personal life) but on the outside he acts like king of the hill, there’s nothing wrong with him and he’s a genius

That’s what many men feel is expected of them, pretend you have the biggest cock while you cry in the bathroom five minutes after

If you’re not XY, fucking die

So everyone puts on an eminence front and plays the game like Don

Very commonplace and makes him our representative of the broken studs

Why is Don HATED?

Mainly I see this by female viewers and gays buuut it’s not that unjustified

Don is a SCUMBAG, straight up

He’s a serial cheater, his ego is like a cancerous tumor, he steps on the feet of business partners when he feels slighted, he basically got his own brother sent to the pearly gates, his kid girl doesn’t respect him and his boy kid is a retard, he is ungrateful, he tans terribly and so on and so on

A lot of people it seems can’t find the grace and value in Don’s flaws and I guess it’s all perspective

To be honest, would you like working with Don?

Nah

He’s better to view from a distance

Like a butterface

If we had a Don in our personal lives, unless he gave us money and free booze we probably wouldn’t stand him

Just because Betty is a piece of shit it doesn’t mean we have to pretend Don is a saint

Although no one does? There’s this notion the show wants us to herald him even though it’s clear from the show title and storylines that this guy is no hero, just very successful and a survivor of his own vices

Don Draper is many things but definitely not forgettable

Okay, nothing more to add

Gonna drink some vitamins and feel annoyed about not having another million dollars and a blowjob

Thanks for clicking?

Good Girl ©

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How do I describe my favorite girl in the whole wide world?

How can one handsome poet, talented as he might be, even begin to do justice to the loveliness of this walking ray of sunshine?

Do I start off by talking about her amazing eyes that twinkle and shine as bright as the purest of moons?

Do I mention that she has a world class feminine figure that inspires me the desire to repopulate the earth every night?

How about praising her for loyalty and modesty?

Her sense of humor is undoubtedly the best I have ever seen in a woman, she actually makes me laugh.. like.. not at her, because of her! Yes! A woman with wit!

Her politics are b a s e d

She’s a hell of a video editor

A true throwback babe with a penchant for the heavy music of the 2000s, always Alice in Chains playing in the background of whatever hot selfie video she sends

I can go on and on

My babygirl is magic

I never thought I’d gush over someone like this, congratulations to you babe

Stole my heart she sure did

Nothing I will ever speak or write will do her awesomeness magic

She is Daddy’s little princess, the way she looks up to me fills me with such joy

We started off like every great pairing.. as verbal combatants, naturally
We insulted each other for an hour, she lurked my socials and realized I’m the greatest man that exists and a pure soul and was hooked since
I tried to resist her advances and pretend I wasn’t into her but I always went back.. talking to her just felt right

When she wasn’t around I was always missing something.. nights were empty
She’s reading this and going “Awwwww” or blushing heavily now hopefully
Honestly, our story is pretty unusual.. very old school lovey dovey yet riddled with the challenges of modernity
But I love every second of it

Even when I have to get mad at her and humble her, deep down inside I stop getting mad after five minutes

She really got me
She’s mine, totally owned, trained and well educated
And I’m hers too
It is what it is

Can’t be a smartass about it
I love her
She loves me
More than anything is what she says, more than life itself
That’s why she has a permanent spot on Papi’s lap

I’ll try not going into too much details about this but as far as night time activity?
What a match..
Sunshine knows how to get the vascularity out of her man that’s for sure

I’ve been hooked for far too long and I can’t complain
When we talked on the phone for 7 hours until sunrise for the first time.. woooooooooow
At that minute I knew, my baby has a good life in front of her
Because I got the power to make her life so exciting and from that moment on so I did

AA,
Light of my life
From Mr. LIGHT OF LIFE himself,
I love you ❤

2024: Hella Junk or Slam Dunk?

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Another new year is upon us

The gyms are crowded with acne-riddled teens from TikTok

Many New Year promises that will never be fulfilled are being made as we speak

Various hoes still recovering from getting rawdogged in the Miami clubs

Wonderful times upon us all surely

If we ignore multiple money wars being waged outside the sweet little soft Western world, this really is a special time

Lots of expectations for everyone when January rolls around

I gotta do this, gotta do that, gotta fuck this bitch, gotta get XY cash

I’m getting older and older and closer to death with every day

And something I recently learned (or remembered) is that expectations are a great tool of Satan

When you start being entitled and you’re sure you gotta get this, that and the third.. not only you won’t get SHIT you will also get SHIT

And SHIT ON

It’s true

One should endeavor to work hard and facilitate change

But keep your fucking mouth shut and take it easy

I’m not just busting your balls, it’s relevant to me too

Work hard, be a good person, swim through the spikes that shred your testicles, and eventually you will reap the fruits of your labor

Hopefully

That’s it really

Thanks for reading

Fuck you ❤

2020s Foreign War 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Soak in the scenes, fellas.
Pumpkin spice infused warm beverages, leaves blowing gently through the air calmingly and most importantly the war mongering scumbags of humanity wasting your tax money to lazily fight a battle that they don’t reaaaally want to end. Oh boy.

That’s right. Today we’re discussing WAR.

I heard a beautiful quote to describe war by a Vietnam veteran and it goes as follows..
“War is where the young and happy get sent to die by the old and miserable.” Can I get a truuuuuue?
Well, the funny thing is war wasn’t always like this.
War used to be very real and not just a money laundering scheme to milk the Senate.

Back in the day of sandals and crotch capes, when you went to war you had a very real threat. Yeah.
You were basically doing the work of God, fighting to your last breath the preserve your culture.
The ancient Canaanites didn’t have rockets or dumb drones hovering over their heads, it was mountain sized half-breed cunts like Goliath coming to fuck shit up and take loot.
What happened?

Well, basically the world turned into shit in every possible way and as we were neutered into soft stains of jizz in every facet of life naturally that also involves combat and war.
You have an industry that milks and drains the ball-sacks of poor soldiers but denies them the honor and dignity of combat.
You train kids to shoot, kill, rescue but somewhere along those lines came the Luciferian advocates that wax hypocrisy about human rights while lining their pockets in Raytheon stocks.

So you’re told to shoot, but it’s shoot knees and not skulls. Bastard stabbed an old woman and you made the world happier one sheep fucker less? Go to jail, hero. You did your job too well.
It’s all a big illusion. Because an effective army is against Da Plan. The big lie can’t keep on without enemies. So you can do your job well, just not TOO WELL.

Start a war every few years, good people die, milk money, buy/sell stocks, profit, inflation, elections, profit and profit and profit, rinse repeat.

May Allah send wolves to bite those “leaders” in their atrophied cocks.
Speaking of big lies and hypocrites…
The average dumb fuck that reacts to war is no innocent party.
Feeding all the fugazi, watching the fake news. Yes, even during war it’s a big fake. They give just enough information to make you mad and scared but not the real information of the horrors because if the average citizen knew what was going on he would get a brain and buy illegal weapons and take the law into his own hands like all the intelligent children of God believe we should do.
No, no… not good. Make memes, and spread bad propaganda clips.

What about foreign combatants and invaders?
Oh, thanks for asking.
Kill them all. This is war. The international laws for honorable combat are a joke. Rapists in tunnels don’t care about going to court. They’re dying anyway. It’s torture and sodomy, friends.
Public square hanging, eye removal. Icepicks in the testicles. Live on TV. The govs sell us out for pleasure and gain so at least let us get satisfaction against the rivals you picked out for us.

I love life. I love nature. I hate unnecessary violence.
But God said eye for an eye. And sometimes I wanna take a leg too.

Nothing personal though. Hate of the enemy blinds you. It’s just to send a message. I am not a fanatic. May the best man win.

The average reader of this esoteric piece isn’t rational. He has “sides” and “winners and losers.”
No such thing. Everyone loses in war. The only win is seeing through the bullshit, keeping your loved ones safe and protecting your mind.

I’m done. All I can really say is…
Peace.
😉

Heartbreak Kid and The B.S. Of Lust

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Recently, I have been evaluating some interactions I had with some beautiful ladies that have not gone my way. Some of these sultry vixens may even be reading this right now.. or maybe not, whose to say?

I came to some conclusions. I am gonna refer to various babes as a singular entity of jizz and lust. It dawned on me how much I hate it when this cute, luscious, buxom devilish female twirls my massive frame around her freshly painted fingernails, spinning me like a hamster and fucking with my head.

But apparently, I don’t hate it enough to stop engaging with her. I tell myself I don’t want to get involved then dream about slurping cola out of her vulva.

I think about rawdogging her till my shaft crumbles to dust every time she texts, giving me hope of a bite.

She probably thinks of fucking with me too, but pissing me off gets her wetter.

I get burned and take out my anger on the next girl that actually appreciates me. Allegedly. No more home-cooked pasta for me?

Continuing the cycle of toxic manipulation to build back my ego. Don’t want to get played and get made fun on Hoodville.

I wanna thrust at that one girl’s throat with the pelvic force of 1,000 suns until she goes into a coma but then also hug her in front of the shining voyeuristic moon that looms over our heads and build a home with her? Do I “love” her (whatever that means) or is she a sex fiend to pull out of my drawer? What’s the value? Where do we stand? No one knows. Just go with it. Treat her like the rest. But I do like her. I really like her. She’s sweet. But..

But like I said it’s not one girl, it’s so many that fit the bill. They all become one face in the end. So alike. Spooky really.

She’s just the most recent.

Behind every sexy scumbag is their equal in trashola that got them bent first. They probably experienced the same thing on the lady side of the spectrum. Everybody gets fucked then fucked over.

So reader, are you the jerk compensating for the pain or the current victim?

Happy Friday, protect your skin!